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1. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
2. I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
3. I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
4. I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
5. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
6. When in doubt, mumble.
7. I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.
8. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
9. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
10. Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.